Oh, so now you want to learn Five Card Draw? Great choice, because nothing screams "I'm bad at poker" quite like picking the easiest variant of the game. Don’t worry—I’ll dumb it down for you, champ. Let’s dive into the basics while I simultaneously roast the poor souls sitting at this table.

Step 1: Ante Up
First, everyone throws in a little money to build the pot. Think of it as the price of admission to the circus—except you're the clown. Of course, Kyle is already complaining about the ante because he’s too cheap to risk his precious nickels.

Step 2: Deal ‘Em Out
The dealer hands you five cards, face down. That’s it. No fancy community cards, no shared flop—just your sad little hand and your big, unrealistic dreams. Try not to look at your cards and immediately sigh, like Jen does every single time.

Step 3: Evaluate Your Hand
Take a good, hard look at your cards. Are they garbage? Of course, they are. Welcome to Five Card Draw! You’re probably holding a single Queen and four cards that might as well be receipts. But don’t panic. Sarah’s over there pretending she has a royal flush when we all know she’s holding a pair of threes.

Step 4: First Betting Round
Now it’s time to bet, call, raise, or fold. Translation:

  • Bet: Pretend you know what you’re doing.
  • Call: Match someone else’s bet because you're afraid to admit you have no plan.
  • Raise: Throw in more chips to flex on everyone. This is where you can really mess with Kyle, who folds faster than an origami class.
  • Fold: Give up because life’s hard, and so is poker.

Step 5: The Draw
This is the exciting part. You get to trade in your garbage cards for new garbage cards! Discard up to three cards (or four if you’re holding an Ace because, sure, let’s bend the rules for you). Jen will inevitably ask, “Wait, can I trade in all five?” No, Jen, this isn’t Go Fish.

Pro tip: If you’re keeping all five cards, act casual. Nothing screams “I have a monster hand” like holding onto everything and grinning like Chad, who thinks he’s subtle but looks like he just won the lottery.

Step 6: Second Betting Round
Now it’s time to bet again. This is where the real poker skills come in—lying through your teeth. Raise big, stare Todd down, and watch him sweat like he’s taking a pop quiz on card rankings.

Step 7: The Showdown
Everyone reveals their cards, starting with the person who made the last bet. This is where Sarah smugly flips over her two-pair, thinking she’s won, only for Todd to quietly show a flush and ruin her day. Meanwhile, Kyle’s over there holding a pair of fives like they’re the Mona Lisa.

Bonus Pro Tips for Five Card Draw:

  • If you’re bluffing, do it confidently. Nothing’s funnier than watching someone fold to your non-existent straight.
  • Pay attention to how many cards people draw. If Chad trades in four, he’s fishing for miracles.
  • Don’t let Jen distract you with questions like, “Wait, what’s a full house again?” (It’s three of one card and two of another, Jen. We’ve been over this.)

And that’s it! Five Card Draw in all its simplistic glory. Now go forth, trade your cards, and prepare to lose your chips to Todd, the guy who "doesn’t even play poker that much" but somehow always wins.