Oh, what an esteemed poker club we’ve got here! Vanderpants with his designer card protectors, Wells Fargo treating chips like a financial institution, Chef somehow working kitchen metaphors into everything, Too High Bret... well, being Too High Bret, Fuzzy probably losing chips and his train of thought, Leroy bluffing like he’s in a spaghetti Western, Cowboy tipping his hat after every bet, and Cornchip? He’s just here for the snacks. Let me break down Follow the Bitch -No-Limit Seven Card Stud with Wild Queens and their Sidekicks- for this ragtag band of degenerates.
Step 1: Ante Up
First, everyone throws in an ante, because even a fun game with these rules needs a price of admission. Wells Fargo probably counts out his chips like it’s a mortgage payment, and Too High Bret is asking if he can Venmo someone because he forgot his cash again.
Step 2: The Initial Deal
You get two cards face down (your "hole cards") and one face up. This is where the judgment begins:
- Fuzzy’s face-up card is already a Queen. Great, now the wild card madness begins.
- Cowboy gets the 5 of Diamonds and mutters something about “riding the low road.”
- And Chef? He’s already talking about how his King of Clubs is the “perfect spice for the recipe.”
Step 3: Queens Are Wild—and So Are Their Sidekicks
Here’s where the chaos begins: Queens are wild, and whatever follows a Queen is also wild. So if Fuzzy’s Queen is followed by a 3, every 3 in the game becomes wild. Thanks, Fuzzy, you’ve single-handedly turned this game into a carnival.
Pro tip: If Too High Bret gets a Queen, don’t bother explaining the rule—he’s just going to call everything wild. And if Vanderpants gets a Queen? He’ll spend 20 minutes arguing that “thematically, the Jack should be wild.”
Step 4: Betting Like You Mean It
Now you bet after every new card, and here’s where the table dynamics really shine:
- Leroy raises every hand like he’s got a straight flush, even though his up-card is a 7. Classic Leroy.
- Wells Fargo folds more than origami but will lecture you on risk management while doing it.
- And Cornchip? He’s not even paying attention—he’s eating chips louder than the shuffle sounds.
Step 5: The Fourth, Fifth, Sixth, and Seventh Cards
You’ll get three more face-up cards and one last face-down card, with betting rounds after each. This is where people start to spiral:
- Too High Bret’s pile of chips is now a scatter plot across the table, and he’s calling every card “a good vibe.”
- Chef is naming his hand “Filet Mignon” even though it’s a pair of 9s and two wild cards.
- While Queens are always wild, the card that follows a queen becomes the new wild. So the that was wild earlier can change to whatever is dealt after a face up Queen. That's right, it changes and now all of that same card is wild and the original is no longer wild and back to to being it's original boring face value.
- And Vanderpants? He’s folding hands that could probably win, because “it’s not stylish to play with wild cards.”
- Here's the fun part. If the last card dealt up is a Queen, then only Queens are wild.
Step 6: The Showdown
Finally, everyone flips their cards, and it’s time to sort through the chaos:
- Fuzzy claims he has four Queens until we remind him that only two are real, and two are wild cards.
- Cowboy tips his hat and reveals a full house, only for Leroy to one-up him with five wild cards and an Ace.
- Meanwhile, Cornchip has a straight flush, but nobody notices because he’s too busy explaining how Doritos are underrated.
Bonus Pro Tips for Survival in This Circus:
- Track the Wild Cards: Good luck with that, because this table can’t even track whose turn it is.
- Play Aggressive Against Leroy: He’s bluffing 90% of the time—unless he says, “This hand is garbage,” in which case he probably has quads.
- Don’t Trust Fuzzy: He’ll forget what’s wild halfway through the hand and still somehow win.
- Mute Chef: His food metaphors are just a distraction.
And there you have it: No-Limit Seven Card Stud with Wild Queens and their BFFs. A game designed to confuse, amuse, and ruin every ounce of sanity you walked in with. Now, ante up, and may the trash-talking begin!
